People keep asking if I'm doing okay. I guess I have the glazed look, the kind of "lights-on-but-nobody-home". It crept up on me -- I knew I needed more of a vacation than the four days over Christmas (which could be years ago now) but for three weeks I was possessed with energy and drive.
There was the showcase, which has only been mentioned here in passing and probably deserves more of a look than it's getting, but all you need to know for the moment is that it happened and the fact that it happened took a lot out of me. But it's really all about CTN, and me, the young white female in the midst of a very Cambodian company and paddling like mad just to stay afloat.
"Soft launch" or not, I knew the expectations would be high (or low, as it turned out) and the need to make a good first impression to a bunch of very skeptical concert coordinators was very great. If we didn't do well, I'd lost whatever trust or promise I may have come with. And by launching into the midst of this already skeptical situation, I then was lacking some very basic things in order to make things look good.
Getting those things, like costumes, decent rehearsal space, music files a couple days in advance, and food and water for the dancers, cost me at least ten dollars in phone credit (usually good for a month or two), dozens of hours (I don't think I'm exaggerating) and god-knows-how-much sheer willpower and energy. I did get these things, everything clicking into place this past weekend, and the subsequent crash has been --
Well, to be honest, kind of dramatic. My energy has been all over the place, up and down and around. I have moments of being really happy and mischeivous, and moments of being really down and upset. I'm alternately starving all the time or not really hungry at all.
I'm okay, yes. The truth is, I'm exhausted, but I suspect it all to just be the aftermath of a serious emotional rollarcoaster that lasted almost three weeks or longer. There are a couple of various personal things that have added to everything as well.
However, there is light at the end of the tunnel. This weekend, due to the cremation ceremony of the late King-Father, the whole city is essentially shutting down for four days and the entire country is descending on Phnom Penh. Road blockages have already begun in preparation for the procession tomorrow and I can only imagine what Monday during the cremation itself is going to be like.
Although it is a historic occasion and it's kind of cool that it's happening while I'm here, my general aversion to large crowds (that could stampede at any moment) and terrible traffic, as well as a serious need to chill, has fueled my decision to stock up on food (ie junk food) and not leave the apartment for four days. I guess I think that maybe if there's only one place to throw energy, eventually it will bounce itself out and stop doing so in my head.
I'll watch the procession and the ceremony on TV, accept house calls if they happen, and generally take four days to hermit. To watch all of the possible futures currently rattling around my head, speculations on potential situations based on presumed readings of various happenings and generally having nothing to do with the here and now, watch them all and then lay them to rest. Tell them, "I see you. I know where you come from," and then let them go, to be or not to, depending on which cosmic Hamlet wins the argument.
And hopefully, when I come back to the surface on Tuesday morning, I'll be at peace, rested, and prepared to go forward without trying to think my way into it.
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