Don't look at me

I don't want to give the full update. Maybe you know, maybe you don't. I started a new job and got a bit more than I bargained for, and have spent the last couple weeks fighting tooth and nail for the things I need to do my job properly. I have begged, discussed, texted/called myself out of credit, gotten the upper management involved, and now, everything I was on about, I got.

Let's take a moment to acknowledge that's great, but today is not about triumph. In fact -- well, it's complicated.

Being sick (and coined) again has not helped my case. Today, simply put, I was constantly frustrated. I can take it with a grain of salt because I know why it's happening, but from the ridiculous detour through the middle of nowhere (though it might have been because the roads are closing for the late King-Father's funeral next weekend) my ride decide to take this morning and making me almost fifteen minutes late, to the young guys making fun of the dancers and movement during our usual rehearsals in the bathroom, I've been wanting to fight the entire world.

Sometimes I feel accepted and welcome, and sometimes I feel like the very out-of-place Barang who really maybe should just go home. And sometimes I understand that I only feel that way to myself, and then sometimes I want to scream, "STOP STARING AT ME, I'M JUST A BLOODY HUMAN BEING LIKE YOU."

That's what you get for living and working in an alien culture, and don't get me wrong, I don't think I'd change it. I know this post is taking on a rant feel, and that's okay -- you never get much updates, but right now you are riding with me through a very real moment of sheer frustration that is part and parcel of what I'm doing.

I'm learning a lot (oh lord am I learning a lot). As I told one of my dancers today, everything is different here. He suggested culture, I said that too but it's everything, everything is different and sometimes I get it and sometimes I don't.

The thing about all of this, all of the fighting I did, I can't say "I'm so tired of it," because I'd do it all over again and I know I'll have to to do what I want in life, and again and again. But I am. And naturally if you asked, so why not just go back to the expat  bubble where it's safer, I wouldn't.

I don't think this post makes much sense, and I'm debating on whether or not to post it (though since you are reading it, clearly I did.) It's the product of a very long Saturday where I was not at my best and at the end of a very long week that saw a lot of diplomacy and the end of a lot of outstanding struggles, when I'm a little too tired and my thoughts are not my friends.

I've decided to wait a couple days until I decide if I believe what I think. We can talk then.

In the meantime, I'm going to try and avoid the bad neighborhoods in my mind.

ADDENDUM: 
Although my instinct was to go out and escape from my head, I thankfully decided against it, took a hot shower, and went to bed.

Unsurprisingly, life looks different after sleeping for 12 hours.