...And then there are times where your body just decides things for you, which mine is incredibly good at doing (and drives me batty). I spent most of last night awake and in pain, as my entire intestinal region was tied in knots, and then this morning I thought, well, it's just cramps, they'll work out -- and was in the process of putting in my contacts when a wave of nausea hit me. So I took out the contact that was already in and went back to bed, promptly sleeping for another four hours or so.
Considering it all, it's not really surprising to me this happened; my body has a way of making sure I don't get too ahead of myself, and especially when I'm stressed it has a habit of making sure I stop for a bit and rest. As you know, reading my frantic posts about official documents, I have been under a fair amount of stress, and found myself last night strangely depressed about a variety of things. Disturbed about some things. Worried about others.
I'm not really sure how much I want to say here, but I can give you a sketch -- surprisingly, only some of it has to do with Paris. But it makes up a fairly large percentage. It's like, I'm a little guilty at how scared I am of the trip, especially as excited as I am about it and as convinced I am that I'm supposed to be there. But I can't deny that being by myself in a foreign city for nine months is, in all honesty, a little terrifying. It's a long way from home, and the only family member that will probably have enough money to visit me is my sister, Darcy. (not the one here in Asheville with me). That's great, but...
It also brings me to another thing that's been bothering me, which is that I miss my parents dearly. I have always been very close with my parents, and since september, I have probably seen them a total of 24 days. I came home for spring break and summer break last year, but not so this year -- I'm happy to be in Asheville, but it just bothers me that I will hardly see them, save a week at the end of August and then god only knows when, after I return from abroad (which is very uncertain right now).
And as much as I dislike admitting it, I have to say that the 'heaviness' around me at the hotel gets me down a bit -- I know that by accepting that, I'm playing the game and therefore losing, but it's just...heavy. I'll have to work on being able to punch through the webs of seriousness.
And then just to add a cherry on top, without naming any names and trying to be as nonchalant as possible about this, it's been really bothering me that I should meet someone I really like when I only have three months to know them. It just seems like a remarkably cruel joke, and you'd probably understand better if you know my history with such things.
So I have today and tomorrow to do nothing and let my soul catch up with me, search it when I do, and get this thing I call me back on track.
Ciao.
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