Very much to my surprise, I'm staying

You might remember that at some point on this blog, in a fit of uncertainty and culture shock, I wrote that I had no idea why I'm here.

Well, actually?

I still don't.

And yet, somehow, despite everything -- I think I'm staying. For how long is anyone's guess. I'm going home for a visit in March, that's for sure, but when I come back -- and yes I'm coming back -- I think I'm here until I leave. My head is trying to attach a date, because it likes doing that and it feels uncomfortable enough with the concept that I somehow ended up here, of all places (like every single one of my friends: why Cambodia, of all places???).

But my instructions from the universe are pretty clear: stay until you know it's time to leave. (Thanks, that's super helpful...)

I don't know why. When I think about it I'm very confused. Not three months ago I think I was muttering and cursing about how I was sure as hell learning a lot but damn it get me out of here when the time is up.

But if I kick my head out of the game, I am left with this calm, perfect certainty that this country is not done with me, nor me with it, and for whatever reason this is precisely where I need to be, until such time as it is time to leave.

Intellectually, what my brain can understand is that I'm very used to spending short, intense amounts of time in places, smushing a bunch of life-changing experiences into 6-11 months, at which point I go home to Denver and have my parents help put me back together for another go at it, onto something else. That was what this trip was supposed to be like, too.

Except it feels different now. This isn't anymore about packing a boatload of experiences into a short time and then moving on. When I go home in March, it will be as a visit. And then I will return to the same place. This time I feel like I'm actually building something, maybe setting groundwork for a much longer something. I'm not on the semester system anymore and maybe my soul is transitioning before my mind can. Okay, we don't have to move every six months, so I'm just gonna sink in some roots here, do you mind? 

Uh....well, I guess not?