Forcing hands: Decisions, decisions, decisions

Obviously I haven't blogged in months, probably years. I'm not sure I'm starting now, but I wanted to put into words some thoughts.

After three years in Cambodia, I moved to Seoul, South Korea, last week. It was one of the hardest decisions I've ever made, and going through with it cost me more courage than I knew I had. I left behind a house, a moto, good work, a very strong community, and one of the loves of my life, for nothing certain whatsoever -- just the promise of becoming a better artist, a better choreographer, a better person.

The impact of the decision is still shaking the ground beneath my feet -- and how could it not? But I've started to understand something.

Humans don't like change. The less we change, the better. It's a fundamental aspect of our egos, formed from a very, very young age. Change is uncertain, not changing is safe. As long as we don't have to change, most of us don't. We like playing by rules we know.

I could have stayed in Cambodia. It would have been more than easy. But I didn't, because I knew I needed to be challenged. I needed to shake things up. I needed to change the game. If I am going to build my life into what I want, I can't just stay and let life live itself.

No one is an island. We are all connected to each other, in ways we can't even begin to comprehend. And once we actually make a decision -- once we shake things up -- we force the hand of the people and the world around us. People like to hold onto their cards, but if we play a card, they have to as well.

I'm not entirely sure what it means, but I know that in making this decision, I've forced the game to move. The game of my life, the game of the lives around me. How everyone else plays is not up to me, what cards they play is not up to me.

But sometimes we need to do this. We need to storm back into the room of our lives and turn over all the tables, throw the drinks, shoot off some fireworks, send everything flying. And then we can build our new game, with our new rules. And that's when we grow, that's when we learn, that's when we find ourselves in places we could never have dreamed of.

Make decisions.

And then, even if your knees are shaking and your knees are weak, go through with it.

That's being alive. That's making the choice to live, and not just survive. However much it hurts sometimes, I'll make it every time.

Love just gets in the way: Sometimes truth isn't true

About four years ago, I was talking to someone in France and telling him all about my plans for life (which no doubt resemble nothing of what I currently think about it). He was very enthusiastic and supportive, but near the end of the conversation, he said something I haven't been able to shake since.

He said, I had the passion and the drive to do everything, but he could see one thing that would stop me: falling in love, and having my heart broken.

In the years since, this has somehow become Truth for me. Love gets in the way, love derails dreams. Just don't fall in love, and you're fine.

It's a view that falls nicely into the Modern World, Modern Woman that's gotten all over everything. Whoever you are, if you are not succeeding or going forward with your career at every moment, then you are going backwards. While it's not all feminists saying so, the connotations of the "you don't need a man" sometimes careen into "you shouldn't need anyone."

There is nothing wrong with succeeding or going forward with your career. But life is more than work. There are angles and corners that need attention too.

I've had to rewrite each sentence here more than once because I keep second-guessing myself and thinking, well that's not a bad thing, but the fact of the matter is, whether or not I should have or not, I fell in love. And ever since, that guy from France has been chattering in my ear, full of dire warnings and fear, and I'm getting totally sick of it.

So I'm letting it go. I don't want that Truth anymore. Life is never a set of rules, a follow-this-and-you'll-get-this, and I'm pretty sure that love doesn't derail dreams, it is the stuff of dreams. I will always be me, and always go forward with what I love and what I want from life.

I was about to launch into a big, rational argument for why this is okay and why I'll still be -- but you know what, never mind.

I'm just going to say this: Truth is not always true, life is very big, and love is an amazing thing.

And leave it at that.